Enough - Fear Not

If you know me, you might know that for some reason I have a terrible long-term memory.  In fact, I would say that I have strikingly few specific and recallable childhood memories.  I do however remember this one thing about the littler version of me:  I loved falling.  I am pretty certain that as a 6-year-old, it didn't matter if it was a cliff, a swing set or a totem pole, I would jump off of it.  I honestly think that I might have loved the idea of crashing my bike with the way my family tells me I rode it.  Make no mistake, I was not "fearless" as a child, yet somehow no risk of pain was too great if the risk brought some great adventure or some exciting new feet of courage.

Somewhere between the ages of 10 and 19 that can-and-will-do attitude said "see ya later" to the rest of my outlook on life.  This is not to say that I am not one for adventure - I still love a good free-fall.  Still, something has markedly changed in the way that I calculate how I feel about threatening situations. As a kid I was afraid of Willy Wonka and bad guys in The Goonies and I hated the dark and was convinced that I was going to contract a rare and incurable disease.  I still hate the dark and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but now, instead of being kept up at night by images of Oompa Loompas, I am kept awake by my to-do list for the next day, my summer plans, my financial status and relationships that I'm afraid I can't maintain.  

Fear is a funny thing isn't it?  It's like an elasta-suit wrapped around my mind.  It stretches and moves and grows and changes based on my age, dreams, goals and relationships.  No matter what fear I think I have grown out of, there always seems to be another fear to take it's place.  Instead of hearing the voice of the movie villain chasing after me I hear, "you are not smart enough" or "you are not pretty enough".  And then those thoughts grow into, "you're all alone" and "you deserve to be all alone."  I think, if only I read my bible more or prayed more I wouldn't feel this way.  That leads to, "you are not spiritual enough or godly enough or good enough to know God."  ... Enough.

Here is something true that Henri Nouwen said:  Every time fear, isolation, or despair begins to invade the human soul, this is not something that comes from God.

Enough indeed.  I have had enough.  I have had enough wondering if I am good enough - the simple truth is that I am not.  I have done enough striving to be enough - I never will be.  I have spent enough time trying to save myself - I never can.  This, in light of my fear, may sound like something very bleak, because it certainly is.  Here is the beauty in it:  He is enough. 

Have I not yet learned the meaning of the word "redeemed"?  If I desire to live by the light of my Savior I have to start to learn that He is enough to save me from death and loneliness and lack!  He has died so that I can be free from the bondage of sin.  And what is more, he has commanded me not to worry about what I eat, drink and wear.  I am convinced the the LORD has power to do what he has promised.  Therefore, "the words 'it was credited to him' were written not for (Abraham) alone, but also for (me), to whom God will credit righteousness - for (I) believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead (Romans 4:22-24)."  Of whom shall I fear?  Of what shall I fear?  Is not "to fear" to suggest that He is not enough?  He has credited his righteousness to me!  I have had enough fear.