Eating Mustard, Moving (to the) Mountains

I used to hate mustard and now I sort of think that it is a tasty addition to most sandwiches.  I know a girl from Mississippi who also hates mustard.  I'm pretty sure that she will never like it based on the fact that she gags when you start talking about the color yellow for too long.  While I'm not sure what it is about the spicy condiment that so displeases my southern friend, I don't think that she would tell you that it's because she hates how big the seeds are.  Everybody knows how little mustard seeds are because of that one time that Jesus tells his disciples, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."


First let me disclaim that I love this passage, and I love mustard and I REALLY love Jesus.  However, I think that maybe Gift and Bible and the rest of our feel good Christian culture has cliched the slam right out of this not-so-cutesy statement by the Son of God.  When we hear that Jesus has said that teeny-tiny faith can move mountains do we ever stop to ask why he has said it?  The disciples just had what I would call a FAIL moment.  They tried casting out the demon and they couldn't, so Jesus comes and does it by blinking and then the disciples ask him why they couldn't do it to which Jesus responds, "because of your little faith" and THEN comes the famous line wherein He explains that if they had faith the size of a mustard seed they could shift rock formations.  Whoa, run on sentence, but did you catch that?  They didn't even have faith the size of a mustard seed!  But Jesus, mustard seeds are TINY, how much LESS faith could you possibly have?!  SLAM.  Pretty sure the disciples couldn't have even moved a mustard seed if they'd picked it up with their fingers.  If their faith was smaller than a mustard seed they basically had no faith.  I don't have any faith either.  Slam, again.


I'm not interested in moving mountains - I think they're fine just where they are.  I am however, interested in moving to the mountains.  A few weeks ago I found out that the next two summers of my life are going to be spent in the Colorado rockies, leading high school kids out into the hills and teaching them about my BFWCTW (best friend who created the world).  I'm still pinching myself.  However, I think that I only enjoyed that moment for about five minutes.  See, It only took about a nano-second of that reality for silly less-than-a-mustard-seed me to start to ask,


"How will I pay for this?" 


"What will my family say?" 


"What will I be missing by not being here?"


"What was I thinking?"


What was I thinking?  No, what was I thinking even asking those questions?  Has not the Lord supplied all of my needs abundantly?  And how much more will he provide for me as I go to share HIS gospel!  As I sat through my medieval history class yesterday, clicking through rei.com, it's as if I heard Him say, "I know exactly what you need.  I know EXACTLY what you need.  I KNOW exactly what you need. I know exactly what YOU need!  I know exactly what you need.  I know exactly what you need."  God who promised is faithful and He is the one who has prepared this beautiful thing for me to do.  He is the one who has prepared this beautiful life for me to live.

"Nothing will be impossible for you."  This is so much bigger than how I spend my summers.  This is our lives in Christ Jesus.  Mine will be a life marked by a faith that starts small and grows into a sturdy and well rooted tree.  Praise God for watering that seed.

Summer

I can't stop thinking about this.

Enough - Fear Not

If you know me, you might know that for some reason I have a terrible long-term memory.  In fact, I would say that I have strikingly few specific and recallable childhood memories.  I do however remember this one thing about the littler version of me:  I loved falling.  I am pretty certain that as a 6-year-old, it didn't matter if it was a cliff, a swing set or a totem pole, I would jump off of it.  I honestly think that I might have loved the idea of crashing my bike with the way my family tells me I rode it.  Make no mistake, I was not "fearless" as a child, yet somehow no risk of pain was too great if the risk brought some great adventure or some exciting new feet of courage.

Somewhere between the ages of 10 and 19 that can-and-will-do attitude said "see ya later" to the rest of my outlook on life.  This is not to say that I am not one for adventure - I still love a good free-fall.  Still, something has markedly changed in the way that I calculate how I feel about threatening situations. As a kid I was afraid of Willy Wonka and bad guys in The Goonies and I hated the dark and was convinced that I was going to contract a rare and incurable disease.  I still hate the dark and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but now, instead of being kept up at night by images of Oompa Loompas, I am kept awake by my to-do list for the next day, my summer plans, my financial status and relationships that I'm afraid I can't maintain.  

Fear is a funny thing isn't it?  It's like an elasta-suit wrapped around my mind.  It stretches and moves and grows and changes based on my age, dreams, goals and relationships.  No matter what fear I think I have grown out of, there always seems to be another fear to take it's place.  Instead of hearing the voice of the movie villain chasing after me I hear, "you are not smart enough" or "you are not pretty enough".  And then those thoughts grow into, "you're all alone" and "you deserve to be all alone."  I think, if only I read my bible more or prayed more I wouldn't feel this way.  That leads to, "you are not spiritual enough or godly enough or good enough to know God."  ... Enough.

Here is something true that Henri Nouwen said:  Every time fear, isolation, or despair begins to invade the human soul, this is not something that comes from God.

Enough indeed.  I have had enough.  I have had enough wondering if I am good enough - the simple truth is that I am not.  I have done enough striving to be enough - I never will be.  I have spent enough time trying to save myself - I never can.  This, in light of my fear, may sound like something very bleak, because it certainly is.  Here is the beauty in it:  He is enough. 

Have I not yet learned the meaning of the word "redeemed"?  If I desire to live by the light of my Savior I have to start to learn that He is enough to save me from death and loneliness and lack!  He has died so that I can be free from the bondage of sin.  And what is more, he has commanded me not to worry about what I eat, drink and wear.  I am convinced the the LORD has power to do what he has promised.  Therefore, "the words 'it was credited to him' were written not for (Abraham) alone, but also for (me), to whom God will credit righteousness - for (I) believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead (Romans 4:22-24)."  Of whom shall I fear?  Of what shall I fear?  Is not "to fear" to suggest that He is not enough?  He has credited his righteousness to me!  I have had enough fear.

It Has Been So Long October

Hello October!  Goodbye October.  Hello November?  Goodbye November...

What a fall.  So much to love.  These past two months had too many words.  Maybe these will speak for themselves:

"Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.  Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."